I feel things differently now, I also see differently. I used to say that I will never be able to lose some people in my life but oh well I did and im only realising that now. Not that I couldn’t see before as I saw them slowly being pushed away buy the things that were happening and more. Most of the people I have lost are my freinds, it is so funny how time flies . I have grown into a different person, I see things I couldn’t do happen everyday, I’m now able to spend a weekend alone without any freinds or lovers, I am now able to go into a ShisaNyama or Pub alone, sit down and have just two beers and go. I still remember the days I use so spend so much money on my freinds in a way I would regret when I’m sober, when our so called lovers would buy us booze for the hole night. I thank God for growing up to this age, as I do not know how long Im gonna live, but I always pray to live enough to be succeful and see my self grow, having the love of my life, which I have been looking for, right next to me. My happeness depends on love and I don’t know why. I don’t know why I can’t let go of the feeling of I need someone in my life, why can’t I grow into a person who won’t depend on a man, not that I’m not independent but I really need someone who will be what I have been looking for since my early ages of growing up, being a grown up…..


Chapter 1.2

Yerstaday I went for shopping with my siblings seeing them smile made my heart smile, I’m diffenetly a first born, I’m their sister and seeing them smile brings me joy in my heart. I also want to see them happy and having all the things I didn’t have. I remember the days growing up. As I have grown this far I only thank the lord and my mom. I always make sure I take care of my siblings at all times. Not that its my job but I’m also doing it for my self, I want them to look up to me. I have always wanted and needed an older sister but I knew I couldnt as I am the first born, maybe I would have turned into a different person, not that I’m saying I’m bad or not feeling my self but, All Im saying is, It would be nice if I could have had someone to look up to. Being a grown up is hard, you have to make choices, decisions and so much more and when you do you have to think about the people those decisions are directed to, how they would feel how kids will look at you, how elders will think of you. But I always belive that a grown up sees, understands and hears. All the things we grown People do they all are seen, yes we sometimes say some things are done mistakely, or we were not aware being a grown up has so many things and if I do not allow my younger self to grow then I will never be able to teach others on how it is to be a grown women……


chapter 1.1


God why did you create me, sometimes I belive that the only God I have or perhaps Gods I have are mother and father because the made me. You know I think that I came for a purpose in this life even though i sometimes feel like I could open my heart together with my mind and feel them with only the positive thinkings and solutions. But that would not balance because if there is no negative things in this world, it would not be a balanced world. But I sometimes think if we all where kind, if we were all trusted , if we where all able to forgive and let go of the past I think we would be a perfect nation of nations. But anyway, there is a reason for everytjing just like there is a reason for us being born, a reason for turning from a baby, teenage, to Adult. As I am at this age I look back and look at the child moments, where I enjoyed going to school, getting pocket money from my parents. I still rememer the game which we used to play, like this one game which we called it ” KISS ” where when you were found without the name kiss on your hand, then a boy would be chosen for you to Kiss. Being an adult has a lot of responsibility but theres is nothing that can be done for us not to grow up, If I had to chose to being an adult or a child. I would not chose any. Instead I would chose to be a child but having the memories and knowledge that i have at this current age, know my past to have abd build a greate future and knowing all the things i know now, maybe then I would do things differently, maybe then I would also see things differently. Huuuuuu theres nothing i can do now, IM A GROWN WOMEN.


Chapter 1

Im a grown women now, i have always wanted to be a grown up. Now that im this age i see things differently, i do not regrete my past but i remember it, i have went through a lot but im still strong. I have loved and hated but most importantly i now see all the reason why some things happened, i wish i could change some of the things that im now seeing, I wish I could delete the momeries that made some of the things right now and i also wish to PlAY, pause and rewind some of my memories . I also something go way back in my past and end up thinking about God. GOD WHY DID YOU CREATE ME……. to be continued

Doesn’t matter

Living a happy life does not depend on the money you have, it does not matter where you come from, rural areas, shack or even Hostels, these are all the same when it comes to Living a life. This year I’m turning 22 years of age and I grew up living in hostel but I ddnt say just because I’m living in that place I will not succeed, because I told myself that I wanna make it in life. There’s is nothing that will come to you while you are sitting at home and crying yourself to sleep, you must learn to go out there, look for jobs or bursaries or even leanerships. Most of the important thing is to be proud, because we did not chose our families just like we ddnt chose the home we grew up in, but we chose and determine our future.I am now working but I have not stopped in looking for more things to help me become more successful. You know why? It’s because I told myself that there is no one I owe success than myself. So if I a Zulu gal, who grew up in Hostel, raised by a single uneducated parent can do it, so can anyone else, because at the end of the day, I am my worst anemy. I COME FIRST IN MY LIFE, I MUST NEVER GIVE UP AND I OWE IT TO MYSELF TO BE SUCCESSFUL.